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Intuition over Fear – another test-drive

Updated: Feb 25


“Follow my intuition” I wanted, “develop my spiritual side” I claimed. Another opportunity to choose my intuition over my fears presented itself this week in a form of decision about attending a silence retreat… (This internal battle of yesterday might be a good illustration of how our saboteurs interfere with our intuition)

Silence retreat  – what a big deal?! –  sign up, join a bunch of “wacky hippies” who are always searching for something, shut up for a week and don’t sweat about it. There is even no need to prepare, everyone who can sit and keep quite is qualified (…ok, you should have  sat cross-legged and “closed eyed” battling your thoughts, back pain and sleep as you chased nirvana at least for a while).

Surely, nothing scary…an exiting opportunity to meet myself and boost my awareness… will surely do it… some day…when there is more time, money, knowledge, stability, security…So I thought, until a silence retreat threatened to become a reality.

My intuition jumped on that wagon and said: “Yes”! That is it!”as a meditation teacher recommended a silence retreat that starts tomorrow.  I gladly obeyed and signed up. That spontaneous act woke up all my old fears that were happily dozing away (recovering from my oversharing and writing…).  And I thought they were gone, these dark days of occupation by my saboteurs. I secretly hopped, I will only witness them from a side as I help my clients…  Probably, I needed a good reminder of how it actually feels…

For a day, there was a battle between my light-hearted intuition and my common sense inner critics that almost paralyzed my every day activities. My saboteur disguised as my voice of reason pulled out his whole arsenal:

First came the guilt – good and responsible mom doesn’t leave her children during the summer break, as well as a good wife doesn’t leave a side of her husband for such nonsense (didn’t even know this pre-historic thinking was still in my head).

Financial insecurities followed – look at the instability in Europe, it is pure self-indulgence to spend money on meditation and silence, just wait when a finical situation in the world  is more stable, and actually think about your financial situation…(then you can throw money away and don’t even need to exchange it for silence)

Fear of meeting my inner demons, my dark sides, seeing my true self, and at the same time a  fear of disappointment – what if I don’t have any incredible inner encounters and won’t make any progress...

Fear of finally finding out that I’m really no good in what I’m drawn to (how did the competitiveness and the achievement drive manage to sneak even here?!), etc.

They all came! Not even one was too lazy. (I wish all my thoughts would be this flint and handy when I need to do some less exiting stuff).

Then the army of the doubts marched ahead:  – is it a good program? a suitable time? a perfect teacher for me ? will I get out what I want?… maybe it’s better to wait, there are surely some even better and more impactful silence retreats  – just take your time and look around (so the doubts could have even more fun watching me to struggle though a multiple choice…)

The whole gang was accompanied by a loyal couple Mr. “Make everything perfect” and Mrs. “Fear of failure”.

There I was,  going through the day magnetized by this great internal parade. Until my saboteur crossed the line and culminated the show with his last shot  – forget all the nonsense about intuition and spirituality, get back to earth and get real.

To attack what I was just starting allowing myself to embrace was a fatal mistake of my saboteur and a turning point of the battle. My internal and external discussions  (huge thanks to all my intimate friends who beared with me yesterday) were suddenly over.

From this point, a clarity emerged, a clarity to use another chance to follow my intuition, to honor my desires, a clarity that I want to dare, dare to fall and grow some wings  as I do (or to land painfully on my butt – I know, there are no guarantees except a sure death at some point).

It might be not an absolutely perfect silence retreat, not a perfect time, it might not bring all the insights I am longing for, I am spending too much money on a personal development this year (trying to make up for all these years I denied myself even to be interested in this stuff), etc…

And maybe, just maybe it is one of legitimate ways to approach life – follow intuitive urges, follow my heart, my curiosity, go through the valleys of fear… and trust that it will be good for something at the end…

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